I am so excited to bring this book to you that has been requested by so many parents. For years, I have traveled around the country teaching workshops to parents and educators on how to help our children become ladies and gentlemen.
Every parent wants their children to be kind, compassionate and loving, while exhibiting the utmost character and integrity. What I have learned in my experience is that it is very difficult for Moms and Dads to raise ladies and gentlemen, if they themselves do not demonstrate what it means to be a lady and a gentleman in the home.
This book is for you, Mom and Dad. This is a 52 week (one year) study guide that helps to make sure that you have all the skills needed to be the best role models for your children that you can be. This book will change you. This book will change your family.
It's very simple. Each chapter is usually just 2-4 pages which you will read at the beginning of your week. Then, there are a few questions and assignments that will help you to evaluate any needed improvement. Finally, there is a journaling page that will allow you to record your feelings that you have experienced during the week as you have read, pondered and prayed over the weekly skill. This book will become a gem and a family heirloom that your children will cherish once they become parents.
Don't wait another day! This is more than a book. It will make the next 52 weeks become some of the most treasured days of your life as you walk the road of self improvement. I can't wait for you to experience it.
This study is wonderfully sweet to do as a couple, reading each chapter aloud to one another and then discussing the questions about your family. As you go through this experience together, the Lord will impress upon your hearts needed changes for your family and you and your spouse will be more united and more endeared to each other. I promise.
This study is also perfect as a year Bible study for your ministry. If you would like more information concering using this study in this way, please email me at: monica@TheEtiquetteFactory.com. Truly, it will change and soften hearts and increase the love in your homes.
Sample Lesson:
Week 7: Correcting Our Children Without Breaking Their Spirits
This subject is so very important to me. As I was praying over this topic in preparation to write this chapter, the seriousness of this parenting skill was confirmed to me. Before I begin, please let me remind you of something that I know the Lord wants you to know. That is, you will not be perfect at this skill. You will most definitely make mistakes in correcting your children. There will be times when you will worry that you have done irrevocable damage because you overreacted, or perhaps you didn't react strongly enough, or you simply were wrong because your information was wrong, and the list goes on.
Don't you forget, the Lord knew you and I would not be perfect parents, but he also knew we would have the ability to be good enough, and that really is enough. I'm sure he hopes that, when we recognize we've made a mistake in correcting our children, we will do our best to correct it, admit it, learn from it, apologize for it and move on. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, paid the price for these mistakes and hopes that we use his sacrifice to repent when needed and renew ourselves. That is why we are able to parent, despite our mistakes. With that said, let's discuss the optimal goal in correcting.
Would you agree that the act of correcting is an act of love? I hope so. Why do we correct? Ponder that for a moment. We correct because we love our children, and we want them to learn to make good choices, so they will have peace and happiness in their lives, despite their circumstances. We know, because we have lived long enough to know, that so much of our pain in life, comes through wrong choices; not all, but a lot. As you and I and our children learn through experience to be wiser when making choices, the chances for our happiness increases as we live according to God's law. Of course, we correct because of our great love for our children. Here's the real question then - do our children feel this great love for them, while they're being corrected? Is it possible? Let me answer for you... YES! It is absolutely possible and absolutely critical.
Now, I'm not suggesting that every single time you have to correct your children, they are going to say to themselves, "Boy, mom sure loves me so very much," when you are sending them to time out. However, I want you to know that they might if you handle it the way I believe the Lord intended us to handle correction. Let me give you an example. Amazing parents raised me. They were, and are, such good people, and I knew I was so loved. However, the truth is, and they would agree, they were a little short tempered. My memory of being corrected by my parents was usually a bad memory, with images of loud scary voices, perhaps being jerked by the arm, or a very angry face while being told what I was doing wrong. I'm sure some threats were going on as well.
In my parent's defense, let me assure you, I was not abused in any way and, although I felt scared of both my mom and dad, neither one did anything that would be considered out of the realm of parenting. On the other hand, I had a Grandmother with whom I spent a lot of time. Granted, her personality was generally calmer and quieter than either of my parents; she still corrected and she still expected. If I ever did misbehave at her house, which was normally arguing with my older brother or perhaps being ugly to my sister, my grandmother would do something like this.
She would take me by the hand, walk me into a bedroom, sit me down on the bed and calmly say, "Monica, you are much too kind, much too lovely and too thoughtful, to ever treat your brother/sister the way I just saw you treat them. It hurts me to see you act in a way that is opposite of who you really are. I love you too much to allow you to behave in this way. What are your thoughts about your behavior?"
Did you hear that? Did you hear how she reminded me of how special and wonderful I was? Did you hear how she reminded me of how much she loved me? Did you hear how she knew I could behave better than that and that I was better than that? Did you hear how she allowed me to express my feelings? Who do you think I grew up wanting to please the most? Her! I wanted to prove to my Grandmother that I was the wonderful person that she made me feel like I was. I wanted to be that girl whom she believed I was. Parents, can you see why this kind of correcting is so powerful? Can you see that honoring your children, while correcting, allows them to understand why you are correcting?
When we correct in anger and do things like yell, scream, speak in a condescending tone, smack, hit, jerk, pinch, yank, or any other action that shows our anger, then we are simply releasing anger and not really correcting. How can we be correcting in order to change our children's behavior, when we are angry? Sure, you and I can intimidate our children through our voices, heavy hand, threats of punishment, humiliation, etc., and we may have some success in stopping a certain behavior or deterring other behavior. But what's our goal here? Is our goal to have our children behave in a certain way based on fear, or would we rather our children behave in a certain way based on their love and respect for us, as well as themselves, along with their desire to please us? I'll take the latter.
If you worked at a company and had made a mistake, perhaps you dropped the ball on an assignment, and your boss came in and decided to correct you in front of your colleagues while yelling and demeaning you, what would be going through your mind? Would you be standing there thinking, "Yep, she's right. I really did drop the ball and deserve this." Or would you be thinking, "I can't believe she is humiliating me in front of my colleagues!" You would immediately loose your respect for her and your true desire to please her.
Every time we correct in a way that demeans and humiliates, in my opinion, we take a piece of our child's heart and stomp on it. Slowly, but surely, we start to loose their respect. Once we completely loose their respect, then AMEN to our ability to parent successfully.
I once had a dad raise his hand in one of my workshops and tell me why he disagreed with me. He said, "Well, I personally believe that humiliation works wonderfully in parenting."
I said, "With all due respect sir, may I give you a warning because I love you and your children. If you continue parenting using humiliation to correct, you will lose your children."
Why do adults continue to believe that children operate by some different set of rules of the heart? They DON'T. They hurt and get embarrassed and feel rejected by the same sources that we do. Just because we are a parent or adult, does not give us any license to be cruel, to yell or scream, to demean or do anything else that demoralizes a child, God's child. If you have been doing this, STOP IT NOW! You can. It's never too late. NEVER! The only person who wants you to believe it's too late is the adversary. God wants us to know that we can be different and parent differently when we ask him to help us. We can decide today to begin anew. We can seek forgiveness from our children, if we need to. When we learn better, we do better; shame on us if we don't.
When correcting your children, keep these things in mind:
Correct in private.
Speak softly. The softer you speak, the more they will listen.
Allow them to vent or share their side of the story without interruption.
Make your expectations clear including the why behind the expectations.
Make the consequences of your child not meeting those expectations clear.
Be consistent. Do what you say you will do without exception, every single time.
After correcting, regardless of the offense, show an increase of love without amending the expectations or consequences. We can never love our children too much.
Parents, this is hard. Have I lost it with my children? Yes. Am I proud of that? No. Do I make an excuse for that or think that it's just normal? No. But, I try every day to parent and correct with love, not anger. When I make a mistake, I hope I recognize it and seek to make it right.
Never believe the voice that whispers in your ear, "You've already messed this up too much. Your children are too old to change now. You're too old to change now."
I make you a promise that I know I can make. I promise you that you can correct using love instead of anger. I promise you that, when you do, you will see a difference in your children for the better. I promise you that the way you treat your children today will be the building blocks of your relationship with them when they are adults. Start today.
Correcting with love does not mean we do not give consequences, or that we allow behavior to continue that is unacceptable. It does not mean that we do not ever inform our children of the consequences if they do violate a specified behavior, but it does mean that we speak softly. It means that we teach our children, explain to our children, why we are correcting. We continue to show an increase of love after we correct.
I pray that you will take the time to be prayerful about the best way to increase the love that you show while correcting your children. I will, too, and as we do, I know that the Lord will enlighten our minds to any changes that we need to make. May we correct with a desire to build up our children's precious spirits and strive never to correct in a way that breaks their spirits. Have a blessed week. Be good to yourself, because you deserve it.
